Happier

walking down 29th park i saw in another’s arm.

only a month we’ve been apart.

you look happier.

so you walk inside a bar,

he said something to make you laugh.

i saw that both your smiles were twice as ours.

you look happier, you do.

ain’t nobody hurt you like i hurt you

ain’t nobody love you like i do

promise that i will not take it personal.

if you’re moving on with someone new

because you look happier you do,

my friends told me one day i’ll feel it too.

and until then i smile and hide the truth but i know i was happier with you.

sat in the corner of the room, everything’s reminding of you.

nursing an empty bottle and telling myself that you’re happier. aren’t you?

i know that there’s others that deserve you. but my darling,

i’m still in love with you.

but i guess you look happier, you do.

my friends told me one day i’ll feel it to too

i could try to smile and hide the truth but i know i was happier with you.

And i knew some day you’d fall for someone new

but if he breaks your heart like lovers do.

just know that i’ll be waiting here for you.

Push down the battle 

I drive him every day to work and then home.

We don’t share a single conversation that means something to any one of us.

We ride along in silence.

I push my words and tears down with the hopeless music in the car. Every single day I repeat. Back and forth every day.

Wondering if he’s unaware or just pretending to play that game to face the harsh truth that will come out of my mouth. I can never tell if it’s his guilt to never be there.

I always thought he’d be my strength to confidence but he has been nothing but my weakness in time.

The silence that I carry everyday with him. Kills me. I push down a part of me. Wanting to scream and beg him for a response. As we drive, I realize we’re close to getting off. Maybe I should hold on a little longer and then we’ll be apart.

Maybe then I wouldn’t have to hide and he wouldn’t have to pretend to love me.

The complaints that I have might never get to him, because I’ll never say them. She was the only person I use to tell this about. Now that she’s gone.

I might never understand and he might never give in. The battle between our worlds will continue until one of gets to the road of peace. Let’s just hope it’s me before him because in the end I want him to exist forever and ever.

Let’s 

Let’s outcast those memories

Under the same theme 

Of demons and angels

Of love and hate. 
The same reoccurrence of thoughts

Introduced to seven different smiles

Followed by Infinite tears and pain. 
Let’s pick that burden and take it elsewhere 

Pack those bags of sorrow and leave 

To an unnamed destination 

A forgotten finish line. 
For what we know 

The night is still young and full of fears . 

Let’s lie back together 

Let the demons come 

Eyes wide open or deeply shut 

They will come. 

Existence of those faults will remain 

Accept or reject,

They will follow

Till your last breath.

Love or hate

They will blame

Till you’re on your knees. 
Let’s push those knees a little 

And stiffen that upper lip, 

Pick the pieces that we dropped. 
Not to claim, 

But they are our definitions. 

Trophies of our failures. 

Something you can label as “yours”. 
Let’s take them in,

Let’s make them breath again, 

Let’s please their desires. 

Selfishness

Gushing through this thoughts I realized how selfish he is and always has been. Maybe the world that we live in, everything and everyone is selfish. Yet some people believe that they’re different and they care for others. 

When the truth of the matter is that they’re all the same, always looking for something that’s satisfying to them. Even in helping others they have a reason behind it and that’s their reason. 

Going through his words, I saw a pattern, the same that was carried forward in all of them. Pain,anger,hate,love and what not. That’s when I realized that it was only words of what he thought of the world, and his perception of love. 

Never explained what others might have felt or experienced. Maybe he’s a narcissist too. The one who believes he’s not one of them. Yes,he’s been trapped in his own words abd feelings but not because somebody pushed him there. but because he wanted hinself there. he knew where they were taking him yeh he took those steps and introduced himself to those demons.

Not saying that he loved it, but there’s none to blame for it. He never thought of the people who he crushed in this process. He never will. Because in his thoughts and prayers he’s the victim. 

He might not see himself the same way but he will also never see others the same. And I don’t think they will either. I do not. 

Same theme 

Sometimes we live in the past and sometimes we just revolve around the same theme of our life. A part of us is scared to look beyond our reach and feel beyond what we have experienced. 

Over time that fear takes over us, leaving us with no choice but to follow the same patterns and as soon as we move around we start pointing fingers at the worst of that time.

Never truly involved but criticizing every inch of it. 

But that’s just a statement from me or maybe that’s how I feel about things. Doesn’t necessarily mean that everybody functions in that way. 

That’s when 

Sometimes I wonder if you ever think of me like I think about you, 

But then I convince myself that no you don’t, I look at your pictures and smiles in them, I try to read your broken smiles, but some of them are genuine and tell me a lot more than I should know, 

That’s when I tell myself that you don’t think of me at all, 

That’s when I realize I was never a part of your happy life, I was always the wheel for your journey, a trip that you took while discovering yourself, a hand to hold to walk through that stony path. 

That’s when I tell myself that I lost myself in your journey and it was never mine to claim, it was always yours, your life, your words, your destiny and your ambitions, I didn’t fit anywhere in them, I was just an audience in those vacant seats, trying to fill your empty applause in your adventurous life. 

That’s when I believe that someday when it’s dark for you outside your world,you will think of me, you will wonder if I’m still there, you will want to see me still sitting outside your world waiting for you to open that door and let me in, you will remember the memories that we have together. I wish you don’t. I wish that what I went through after us, you don’t. I wish that you never see yourself as I look at myself now, I wish you have a happy life in the world that you created, but I also wish that I never create the world for anyone that you created for me. 

A world where I don’t trust anyone, to talk, to love,to open up. Somewhere I doubt everybody who’s loyal. Somewhere I’ve lost all my faith in God and humans.

That’s when I question myself. If I’ll every be the same person again? If I’ll ever see you again? If I’ll ever love someone again? If I’ll ever respect myself again? If I will be still waiting for you? If I still believe in magic? And a lot of other questions,

The truth is, I don’t have answers to any of my questions, I don’t have any words to explain my thoughts, I don’t know if this is what I know or these are just the hopeless assumptions that live in me. 

Maybe one day 

One of these days, 

You’ll witness yourself down and low, 

You’ll be wrapped in your thoughts, 

From head to toe 

Covered and hoping,

Someone would come and save you,

From drowning, 

The truth is no one will, 

Even if they come, 

They’ll leave you to drown again, 

So don’t rely on them, 

Be your own helping hand, 

Grab yourself 

And make that push 

Get up, 

It’s not easy, 

It never will be, 

But you have to for yourself, 

Create that world for yourself, 

Become who you want to be. 

I am what I am 

I see you in my dark times, 

I feel you when I’m hiding, 

I remember you when you’re here, 

I exist because of your pain, 

I follow because I’m lost, 

I create because I’m a shadow, 

I do a lot of things when I think about you, 

You never escape my thoughts, 

My marina, 

As I would call you, 

When you were here, 

With me, 

But now you’re somewhere I can’t be, 

Now you’re someone I don’t know, 

Someone I can only look in my heart, 

Someone who’s alive in my memories, 

Stupid of me to keep you alive in my memories, 

When all you did was left me for your own good, 

I’m not mad at that, 

I’m not happy at that too, 

But I do punish myself with every passing day,

Of why I can’t move on like you did, 

Maybe because they were always words for you, 

And for me you were always you, 

Never thought beyond that. 

Take a trip 

Sometimes take yourself back to places,take a trip down to memory lane. It doesn’t sound like a good plan but sometimes it’s something you need. Reminders. 

Drive down the road that you’ve filled with memories, go to bars and restaurants that remind of you someone and the moments you shared, listen to the songs that you sang for them. Lay on the bed that you once shared and relive the imagination of their body next to yours. 

People might not be the same anymore,you might not even know each other anymore, but the memories that you created years ago as one, they’re still there, will always be, now they exist in you as a part of you. And you can’t just take a part out of yourself. Love that part, cherish it. Make more out of it. 

They don’t have a significance in your life now, but they were your life at some point and your world. They’re nothing now but they were the light when it was dark, so what if the darkness is back again? There will be light again. Remember the times of what you were and what you became and what you are today. 

None of those moments were wasted, no time of yours went down the drain, its all there, filled with experiences and expectations and hit hard with realities. Making you stronger and weaker, recognizing the patterns of what you can do to yourself, destroy or rebuild. 

Reading motivational quotes isn’t gonna bring back anything, unless you create your own motivation for yourself and get back up. Life will go on. I know it can get hard, but you always knew it’s not going to be easy but you still took the risk. Take it again. Have some faith in yourself and follow the lead of your heart. 

So, take yourself back and then come back again. Take that trip and free yourself. Only you can and you will.