Rage

I’m going through all of this and i don’t even know if she even wants me there anymore and if i make sense to her anymore or has she found someone shes is attracted to or maybe she is just busy with her new busy life and her new found loved one who i do not know if love her or keep her safe. i have no idea what is going on and i cant get it together to stop myself from getting in touch with her. i need to stop and i need to focus on my life a little and help myself too. but i cant. i cant stop thinking about her and how i can make things better for her and in this process i cant understand that i am not making things better for her I’m just destroying things for her destroying her fun and love for others she has so much to give. she hardly thinks about me now, she learned the easy way to prioritize while I’m just stuck in that little world of mine where i cant even think straight, thinking out of the box remains a question.

I don’t know where to start and where to end? why cant i just leave her alone. I asked her today and she told me that she is perfectly fine and I’m really happy that she is and i wish that she gets happy more than anything in the world. i don’t know where to go and who to talk to. For me you have always been my home and i always had that understanding that no matter what happens i know in the end i could go to my home and feel all relaxed and covered. You have always been my defense. i still seek defense with you and i have no idea what I’m doing with my life without you.

I’m planning and making an effort just to see you and meet you at the other end of the world, the destinations seems like a mountain to me every time i plan but then i remember the words that i said to you that i will move the mountains to be with you. The problem is not that. the problem is within me. i cant get over the thoughts that if she even wants to see my face anymore or even wants to meet me. i asked her if i can come, she said yes, she couldn’t have said no but she also added that she wants to call her friends i don’t know if she wants to meet me alone as if i was some kind of demon that she doesn’t know. I’ve never done any harm to her that she is scared of meeting me alone. I’ve never done anything without her permission. i have respected her each and everything. then why? maybe she has moved on. maybe she has recovered from those injuries that i gave to her. i always thought i was her end and beginning but now it seems like I’m nothing to her, nothing but just a crazy little fellow running after her everyday that she is trying to avoid every single day. i don’t know the reason, i might never even get to know what it all means and might never even get to know why she thinks like that anymore. all that i have from all of this are the miserable destroying thoughts :

she has found someone

better than you

more loving than you

more gentle than you

more understanding to you.

I don’t understand why I’m comparing myself to anyone. i should be satisfied with myself and understand that i did everything that i could for her but my efforts were not enough. i was never enough. maybe that’s why i still want to try because i never reached that level of satisfaction. i have so many maybes and ifs and should s and could s in my head and its so jumbled up that i cant even make sense to me.

I’m not focused on my work or anything because i cant seem to think anything other than her. i just don’t want to stop writing. i want to talk to someone but the fear of me being rejected by my own people for whining all the time stops me. i just want to keep writing about her and how she made me feel and about my feelings and whatever i have inside of me.words are never enough. why? no matter how much i write i just cant get enough of it. every day brings something new to me and makes me feel like a fucking slave of my own feelings. i don’t want these fucking feelings.

and right now i don’t give a fuck if this writing makes sense to anyone or if anybody understands or sounds suicidal and crazy and childish i clearly don’t give a fuck. this is for me. and for her.

I don’t give a fuck if while I’m writing this my hands are shivering and I’m dying from the inside i just want someone to know or i just want myself to know what the fuck is happening to me. I really wish that you understood what I’m feeling right now, i know some people who do but i don’t want them to i don’t expect them to i want you to understand and know it better than anyone because i never let those people in and i never explained myself to those feelings, they do not know what you know, i only want you to understand me and know what is going in this fucking brain of mine. this fire, only you can stop this fire, i wake up in the middle of the night taking your name of waking up with a dream in which i see you with someone and who is better than  me, kills me. wake up being cold as fuck, damaged. Why cant you be there? i don’t have any complaints for you, i know i say that but then just look at the fucking things i say and write, they all look like all i do is complaint and nothing else. i don’t want to be this person that i am turning into, I’m not this messed up person. i want to be me again. i want to look in the mirror and smile again and not just fucking stare myself in the mirror and try to find where the fuck am i and who the fuck is this and what the fuck is this, i smile when i see myself in the mirror crying and whining and full of tears that are fucking painful. I laugh at myself for being the person that I’ve become. i try to act like this tough person but h’m gonna break that soon and when it does happen i don’t know what will be there left in me, the storm might kill the remaining pieces of me. i don’t want to end myself for something that ended like this most of all i never wanted this to end, us. i never wanted you this far from me and at a distance where i just stand with my hand trying to reach you but cant see it or reach it.

i have to go now, but my fight with myself is not over, it never will be. i will continue this very soon. i don’t need magical and fancy words to explain this pain to myself. raw fucking childish words would do.

fuck off.

Old notes in phone 1

Something that I wrote ages ago, when things were a little rough between us. I still remember each and every talk and how I’ve been trying to make it better for her everyday. I don’t want nice words and things for myself. I only want her to have everything because if there’s anyone in the world who deserves it all, it’s her. That smile is more precious than anything in the world for me. I would kill my thousand lives for her one genuine smile. She deserves to be happy and be with someone who will keep her happy and fill in the emptiness that I could never fill. But darling don’t ever forget that I love you more than anything in my world. I’d never let go of you but I shall remain quite for your happiness and your survival. I shall burry my sorrows and pains inside of me for you. They seem very small in front of your smiling face. 

Tere liye khush toh Bohat ho kah tu apni manzil ki taraf barh rahi hai. Itna khush kah tujhay Bata nahi sakta. Bus tujhay woh mil jaye jis ki tujhay chah hai. Tu pareshaan mat ho meri jaan sub theek ho ga tere liye. 

Tere liye khush toh Bohat ho Laiken thora darta bhi kah tujh ko main yaad nahi raho ga us Kay baad Laiken uska koi ghum nahi kum se kum tu toh khush ho gi, main apni khushi tujhay khush dekh kar dhondh lo ga. Meri toh khushi hai hi Teri khushi main.

Dekh na Mujhay kah rab Kay agay hath uthata ho apnay liye Laiken lub mangtay tere liye hai. Alfaaz nikaltay hai Teri Raza Kay liye. Main kyun ho Itna bebus?! Kyun main apnay Apko sambhaal nahi paa Raha?! 

Tu nay aik dafa bola tha Mujh se yeh “I worry sometimes I have nothing left to give to someone new. I have given it all to you. Should the need arise, will you return it to me please?” I don’t think I could return it to you when it was needed and I saw it fade away from your heart the hopes you had from me. Forgive me for I have failed you too in this life. But my God knows that I have tried and still am and always will. 

I would want to wake up to you, and look at your things at my dressing table, I want my pillow to smell of you whenever I wake up, I want to see my bathroom glass fogged up with a smiley face from you, I want to come home looking forward to seeing you, I want to wake up and see you smiling next to me but I don’t think you want all of that anymore and I don’t blame you for it. I never will. 

Funny how things change with time and you become something/someone once they were. And how you can relate yourself to sad songs and writings. Once upon a time she said: today i am sad and worthless and everything hurts and today i would do anything to escape my own existence, i would do anything to not be me. 

it’s been a long time since i’ve had cause to say this but even after all this time, here i am, saying it – i don’t think i have anyone to talk to.

i was always the communication queen, the ‘talk it out and it shall be better’ champ, but the older i get, the quieter i get. it just feels like there’s no point in saying much any more. my grief, and my anger, are both mine to feel and mine to deal with. what do i get by baring my soul again and again and again?

of course, the flip side is that, with my temper, i belong in anger management anyway, so this doesn’t help much. there’s just so much sadness and so much bitterness and rage suppressed here. and in the end, there is no one but you to cry to and no one but myself to pick up the pieces. 

I agree with each and every word and can relate to words. I’m sorry that I made you feel like that once I wish I could turn back time and make myself worthy of your love and give you everything that I have. Give you all the happiness and take all of your tears from you and wouldn’t complaint about them. I never thought I would write for someone or even for myself but look at me now that I need a phone or paper to talk to myself. I was my bestfriend but it’s like I can’t even communicate with my own brain now. 

If Only

At the start of everyday he thinks everything is going to be better today, he will live again, he will be happy again, he will be focused and strike back as a person that he was. but that’s just the beginning…

The beginning of another day full of pain and agony. His thoughts might sound positive but the same thoughts also kill a part of him every single day. The self questioning never stops. I talk about him most of the time but there are times when i don’t want to write to him, i just want to hold him straight and tell him it’s okay to forget and it’s okay to let go, and she will never love you the same, you never meant anything to her, you could never fulfill her emptiness, she just couldn’t be happy with someone like you. I also want to tell him that no matter what you think about yourself, i still love you. focus on me a little and you might find the happiness and peace you’re looking for.

But, i also want him to learn, on his own. I want him to fall. I want him to shatter into pieces and i want to see him collect those pieces and become something that he should be. I want him to see the light on his own. I don’t want him to see the shinning bright lights through anyone or anywhere, i want him to see the light that lies within him. The light that has always been there for her and the people around him. The light others could see in him but he himself never discovered that light.

Starts the day with positivity, but he has to understand that there is nothing in this world that disappears with the rising sun, neither will the memories, the beautiful monstrous memories that he made with her. They are truly beautiful but they also haunt him every second and make him realize that he is no more, she is no more, they is no more. With the rising sun, he loses his positivity every second and by the time the sun is shinning as bright as it can, he can see himself drowning in the same sorrows all over again.

Shivering

Pain

Hurt

Helpless

Lost

He starts looking for distractions, A shade perhaps, where he can hide or find peace. Again, i want to make him stand in the heat and tell him that peace is a luxury you can not afford at this stage, you have to go through this pain and move with it. If only he listened. If only.

Despite her flaws and mistakes, he loves her unconditionally. He still thinks more about her than himself, the things he does to kill himself for her happiness. He says that he can find peace and happiness in her smile and laughter, he says that her voice can make him shine again, her kisses can make him live again, her touch can make him a human being again, her words can take him to the magical world again, away from all this pain and hurting. I never understood the power of love, i never want to, but from what he tells i do want to fall in love once just to see what he means. I do want him to be with her, simply because i want to see all of this happening.

Then comes the time when the sun finally decides to leave the poor and helpless souls alone and starts drowning, That’s when he decides to come out of that shelter, He starts looking for the part of himself that the sun took from him, Searching, nothing. He never finds it. It’s gone. That’s when the helpless feeling kicks in again and he realizes that it was never a part of him and it can never be with him. He loses his hope and calls himself hopeless. His mind stops looking for that missing peace but his eyes never do, as if they can see it but can’t signal the brain to notice it. It’s right there, in front of him, but he cant. His eyes full of water, ignored.

I wanted to pick up that missing piece and hand it to him and tell him that nobody took anything from you, it’s still here. I don’t. I don’t because i know he would just ignore that missing part or deny that he owns that part like all the other missing pieces. I wanted to tell him that no matter what you do, don’t give up searching, you will find it. I don’t.

He starts thinking what he can do to get her back. In his thoughts only she exists, nothing for me. His thoughts are private even for himself, he’s scared that he only opened that door for one person in the whole world, and that one person closed that door on his face and now he is just too scared to open that door to anyone. Even for me.

I want to inform that closing that door also means that he his locking himself in those walls too. If only he listens. If only.

Shivering

It all started in the heat of 2013 when i was surrounded by sand and buildings. That was the first time i discovered what truly shivering means. I did not know it back then and thought of it as a normal fear in life. My imagination was unaware of this act, and definitely a stranger to the thought that words and actions can cause this effect on a person.

Believe me, i was a normal person. I had my share of fears but they were never too strong to make me feel this helpless. Sitting underneath those tall high rise buildings, my gut feeling kicked in and tried telling me that something is coming my way, something unexpected, something miserable, something that will haunt me for the rest of my life, along with many other warnings. Me being me, completely denied all of those accusations. My beliefs were always too strong to believe in any of that. but my gut feeling was right all along.

My belief was: I’ve not done anything like that, she wouldn’t too. I’ve loved her more than my own limits, she would too. I would never hurt her, she wouldn’t. All those beliefs, an optimistic person would have. I had them. Until

I can’t. I thought I’d able to write it down but i cant. i can’t get it together. i can’t. i thought maybe i could write it all down because i cant talk to anybody about it. i thought i would write. but i can’t. This was not the plan before starting this blog, It was suppose to be my thing, where i write about this non stop shivering and heaviness in my head and chest. but i can’t.I’m too helpless to write anything. why do i feel that saying anything bad about her or saying anything that has caused me trouble will be betrayal to her and to my love. After all she is the one i still love and is my world.

I’m sorry.

Words

I never imagined myself writing, i never imagined talking to myself on papers and computer screens. I never imagined writing my heart out like this. Some might think it helps, well, all i can i say is that i am only trying to make it work and see if it helps me. So far it’s not.

Words are beautiful and are never enough, because in the end they are only words. People also believe words can do magic, I don’t. You might be able to forget what has been done but words always stay there, they remind you that how all done that has been done were just words, beautiful words as they say.

I’m not going to lie, i believed in words more than anyone. For me my words were louder than my actions maybe that’s why my words did not have any value in the end. I sit here and write when i know that i am not good with words, Who am i to write? No-one. I don’t have fancy words to entertain you, i don’t have magical words to change the world and most of all i don’t have words to explain the storm within me. Though i know words don’t mean anything to you but i still wish that i had the words.

I kind of understand that because I’ve always been the illiterate one, but what happened to you? You were smart enough and educated enough and powerful enough to follow your words and all the things you said to me. What went wrong with your words? Were they just lies? Wait! don’t answer, i know the answer but i still don’t want to know the answer.

Human nature is funny, i mean look at me. I know that all you said to me a few months ago were just words you did not mean. All the promises you made of loving me till the end and fighting for me, no matter what and being only mine. All those times when you told me that you are never going to let go of me because you can never love anyone like me. They were all just words. yet, i still sit here believing in each and every one of those words because they are the only thing that’s keeping me alive. They are the only thing that has given me hope of something larger than this life but you wouldn’t know because for you they were just words.

Nights.Remind me…

Nights were my favorite. It was the time when I use to find peace in me but now they haunt me. Every single one of them. I want to disappear from everything and everyone. Even from you. I curse my own existence every night. Nights. They only bring sadness and tears in my eyes. Doesn’t matter if they’re bright or dark, they don’t light me up anymore. They kill me with every second.

Nights. Every breath feels like a burden on myself. I can feel myself falling into pieces and there’s nothing I can do to stop it.

Nights. Haunt me.

Nights. Remind me.

Nights. Kill me.

Nights. Hurt me.

Nights. Torture me.

I sit in this darkness and look at your pictures that you post with your friends. So close. I know I have no right over you anymore and you’re enjoying your freedom but I can’t see you this close to anyone. That space was always promised to me. The promise didn’t mean anything to you?! Any promise didn’t mean anything to you?! But honestly it’s not your fault you wanted to have fun that’s why you let go of me. Doesn’t matter what happens to me. It shouldn’t matter to you because you took your decision of leaving me and being happy. Why can’t I find happiness without you? Why can’t I get close to anyone?! Why do I associate my every single second with you? How is that fair?

I lost my faith in God ages ago, but with you leaving me I developed a thought about Him. That He doesn’t even exists or maybe He’s just blind or busy with his nice people like you.

Fuck this.

I’m fucked.

Nobody can do anything for me.

Nothing can be done for me.
Nights. Make me think. Give me useless thoughts of how you’re going away from me day by day. It’s been ages since we last talked. It’s been ages since you told me anything about you, about your wild parties with your friends. It’s been ages since you told me that you’re still mine. You know I get insecure when you don’t tell me that for a few days. I’m a mess. I don’t know what I deserve. But I also know that I don’t deserve this. I don’t deserve to be treated like I’m nothing to you. But again it’s not your fault. You’re free of all these days it’s just me who’s still stuck in this world with the same laughter and tears and memories that you gave me. They live in me. They give me hope. I don’t see where I lacked in my relationship with you? There’s no reason for it to end. I did everything to keep you happy but in the end I failed. I failed so bad that I couldn’t even keep myself happy then how do I expect you to be happy. I have several questions for myself. And a thousand for you but I don’t want to listen to the answers because I know that they’re gonna kill a part of me that I can’t even revive.

I failed my love.

I tried.

But, failed.

How can something so perfect, end up in something this bad?! I fail to understand. I’m not ready to accept the fact that you’re not here. I sit here and talk to you, think about you. And I have no idea if you even know that I exist. I understand that you’ve accepted the fact and are moving on with your life and I wish you get all the happiness that you ever wanted. And all the freedom that I couldn’t give you but honest to god I went out of my way for your freedom that you don’t feel trapped I just couldn’t share you with any one. If that’s my fault then I don’t know what to do. I couldn’t even let you share a moment with anyone else. I wanted you all by myself and you wanted it otherwise.

Maybe love isn’t enough.

Maybe my love wasn’t enough.

Maybe I wasn’t enough.

Maybe I was never.

I can’t even tell you how much everything reminds of you. How much I miss you. Every single fucking thing reminds me of you. Every tree in this city reminds me of you, every place, every wind, every weather, every other person.

Yet I sit here with tears in my eyes, which I can’t even control because I just have to take your name and they start dropping.

M*****.

Tear.

M*****.

Tear.

I don’t know if you know that I write messages to you every night and tell you how much I miss you and love and how much I need you in my life and how much I want to know about your life. I don’t even know if you notice that in your busy life. I don’t even know if I exist anymore in your busy life. I don’t even know if you think about me anymore even for a second. I don’t know anything anymore. I don’t know. I don’t know if I want to live any more. It may sound ridiculous to you too but trust me I don’t even want to be a part of this world. I don’t know anything anymore. I don’t even know if you notice that all day and night I just sit here and stare at your whatsapp photo and last seen hoping it would say typing and you’ll type something that’s just for me. I don’t know. I don’t know if you know that all I’m left with is hope. Nothing more. Nothing at all. Nothing is left in my life. I don’t even know if they keep you happy. I don’t even know if they care about you they way I do. I don’t even know if they love you. I don’t even know if you love them. I don’t even know if you love them more than me.

I didn’t want to message you, specially when I know that you’re out there going to the city that I hate the most but what can I do? You tell me. Please someone tell me. I couldn’t resist telling you that I love you more than anything in this whole world. I love you more than my hatred. That this love you for you makes the hatred look tiny and useless.

Please, can someone talk to me right now? I can’t stop. I can’t stop these tears. Can anyone hear me? Can anyone tell her how I’m feeling. Can anyone inform her about me. Can anyone tell her what she means to me? Anyone? Please? Anyone? Make it stop. I don’t want to be this miserable. Can anyone take this pain away from me? Can anyone make this shivering stop? Can anyone take this pain off my chest? Fuck. Can anyone hear me?

No one.

Nobody.

Not even a single soul.

Not even God himself.

Fuck everyone.

Fuck me.

Fuck my miserable fucking life.

I feel like a piece of shit. I feel like there’s nothing left in me to give. Nothing left in me to forget. Nothing left in me to survive.

Loneliness being an ally 

I sit here outside my office wondering who I am and how my life is gonna end up. Things I shouldn’t be thinking about. Thoughts that shouldn’t matter. Yet they do. 
I’ve been a lonely person my entire life, a lonely person with a lot of people beside me who love me no matter what but somehow their love never meant that much to me to feel alive. Even in loving crowds I wondered and bottled up. Something was out of order I could never pin point it. Loneliness was the only ally I had, but even that one ally couldn’t understand what I feel. 

Self Loathing Continues

Trying to write myself down? Don’t have words to explain myself. Don’t have the lines to convince myself that she’s gone. Don’t have the excuses for what’s happening. Putting yourself to sleep every night with hope that tomorrow is going to bring something new and things will be colorful again. 

Waking up in the morning and the realization that it’s all black and white. 

Turning to your phone and dialing the same number again and again but never end up pressing that green button that’ll connect you with the moon of your life. 

Sweetheart, I can see you drifting away. But why am I so surprised? Didn’t I already know that this is gonna happen? Of course I did. I even said it to her a million times that you’re going to forget me once you start this other life with new people. It’ll all be new for you. New people, new life, new love, new relations. Of course I knew this was going to happen. Then where is the problem? 

Problem is within me. 

Within my acceptance. 

Problem has always been within me. I was the one who never understood my gut feeling, I was the one who was acting like a blind person to myself. I was the one who knew this was coming but was a slave to the feelings deep down there. Sun and stars don’t shine together, I should have known. I should have known a lot of things. I surrendered myself blindly to this miserable thing people call love. 

Waking up and looking for you all around has become a habit for me, something adopted even though I never wanted this for myself. I never wanted to be a slave of my own feelings. I always wanted to own them. Sometimes when you want to own something so badly you become a slave to that thing. It’s a trap. The temptation that you can own it drives you to the point where you lose it all. By the end of it you’re in a million pieces and like a slave you’re trying to gather all those million pieces in one place. Doesn’t sound that difficult but you don’t realize that a million pieces can’t be brought together and you can’t identify the missing pieces, where did they go? Another question for you to wonder.