Self Loathing Continues

Trying to write myself down? Don’t have words to explain myself. Don’t have the lines to convince myself that she’s gone. Don’t have the excuses for what’s happening. Putting yourself to sleep every night with hope that tomorrow is going to bring something new and things will be colorful again. 

Waking up in the morning and the realization that it’s all black and white. 

Turning to your phone and dialing the same number again and again but never end up pressing that green button that’ll connect you with the moon of your life. 

Sweetheart, I can see you drifting away. But why am I so surprised? Didn’t I already know that this is gonna happen? Of course I did. I even said it to her a million times that you’re going to forget me once you start this other life with new people. It’ll all be new for you. New people, new life, new love, new relations. Of course I knew this was going to happen. Then where is the problem? 

Problem is within me. 

Within my acceptance. 

Problem has always been within me. I was the one who never understood my gut feeling, I was the one who was acting like a blind person to myself. I was the one who knew this was coming but was a slave to the feelings deep down there. Sun and stars don’t shine together, I should have known. I should have known a lot of things. I surrendered myself blindly to this miserable thing people call love. 

Waking up and looking for you all around has become a habit for me, something adopted even though I never wanted this for myself. I never wanted to be a slave of my own feelings. I always wanted to own them. Sometimes when you want to own something so badly you become a slave to that thing. It’s a trap. The temptation that you can own it drives you to the point where you lose it all. By the end of it you’re in a million pieces and like a slave you’re trying to gather all those million pieces in one place. Doesn’t sound that difficult but you don’t realize that a million pieces can’t be brought together and you can’t identify the missing pieces, where did they go? Another question for you to wonder. 

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