Nights were my favorite. It was the time when I use to find peace in me but now they haunt me. Every single one of them. I want to disappear from everything and everyone. Even from you. I curse my own existence every night. Nights. They only bring sadness and tears in my eyes. Doesn’t matter if they’re bright or dark, they don’t light me up anymore. They kill me with every second.
Nights. Every breath feels like a burden on myself. I can feel myself falling into pieces and there’s nothing I can do to stop it.
Nights. Haunt me.
Nights. Remind me.
Nights. Kill me.
Nights. Hurt me.
Nights. Torture me.
I sit in this darkness and look at your pictures that you post with your friends. So close. I know I have no right over you anymore and you’re enjoying your freedom but I can’t see you this close to anyone. That space was always promised to me. The promise didn’t mean anything to you?! Any promise didn’t mean anything to you?! But honestly it’s not your fault you wanted to have fun that’s why you let go of me. Doesn’t matter what happens to me. It shouldn’t matter to you because you took your decision of leaving me and being happy. Why can’t I find happiness without you? Why can’t I get close to anyone?! Why do I associate my every single second with you? How is that fair?
I lost my faith in God ages ago, but with you leaving me I developed a thought about Him. That He doesn’t even exists or maybe He’s just blind or busy with his nice people like you.
Nobody can do anything for me.
Nothing can be done for me.
Nights. Make me think. Give me useless thoughts of how you’re going away from me day by day. It’s been ages since we last talked. It’s been ages since you told me anything about you, about your wild parties with your friends. It’s been ages since you told me that you’re still mine. You know I get insecure when you don’t tell me that for a few days. I’m a mess. I don’t know what I deserve. But I also know that I don’t deserve this. I don’t deserve to be treated like I’m nothing to you. But again it’s not your fault. You’re free of all these days it’s just me who’s still stuck in this world with the same laughter and tears and memories that you gave me. They live in me. They give me hope. I don’t see where I lacked in my relationship with you? There’s no reason for it to end. I did everything to keep you happy but in the end I failed. I failed so bad that I couldn’t even keep myself happy then how do I expect you to be happy. I have several questions for myself. And a thousand for you but I don’t want to listen to the answers because I know that they’re gonna kill a part of me that I can’t even revive.
I failed my love.
How can something so perfect, end up in something this bad?! I fail to understand. I’m not ready to accept the fact that you’re not here. I sit here and talk to you, think about you. And I have no idea if you even know that I exist. I understand that you’ve accepted the fact and are moving on with your life and I wish you get all the happiness that you ever wanted. And all the freedom that I couldn’t give you but honest to god I went out of my way for your freedom that you don’t feel trapped I just couldn’t share you with any one. If that’s my fault then I don’t know what to do. I couldn’t even let you share a moment with anyone else. I wanted you all by myself and you wanted it otherwise.
Maybe love isn’t enough.
Maybe my love wasn’t enough.
Maybe I wasn’t enough.
Maybe I was never.
I can’t even tell you how much everything reminds of you. How much I miss you. Every single fucking thing reminds me of you. Every tree in this city reminds me of you, every place, every wind, every weather, every other person.
Yet I sit here with tears in my eyes, which I can’t even control because I just have to take your name and they start dropping.
I don’t know if you know that I write messages to you every night and tell you how much I miss you and love and how much I need you in my life and how much I want to know about your life. I don’t even know if you notice that in your busy life. I don’t even know if I exist anymore in your busy life. I don’t even know if you think about me anymore even for a second. I don’t know anything anymore. I don’t know. I don’t know if I want to live any more. It may sound ridiculous to you too but trust me I don’t even want to be a part of this world. I don’t know anything anymore. I don’t even know if you notice that all day and night I just sit here and stare at your whatsapp photo and last seen hoping it would say typing and you’ll type something that’s just for me. I don’t know. I don’t know if you know that all I’m left with is hope. Nothing more. Nothing at all. Nothing is left in my life. I don’t even know if they keep you happy. I don’t even know if they care about you they way I do. I don’t even know if they love you. I don’t even know if you love them. I don’t even know if you love them more than me.
I didn’t want to message you, specially when I know that you’re out there going to the city that I hate the most but what can I do? You tell me. Please someone tell me. I couldn’t resist telling you that I love you more than anything in this whole world. I love you more than my hatred. That this love you for you makes the hatred look tiny and useless.
Please, can someone talk to me right now? I can’t stop. I can’t stop these tears. Can anyone hear me? Can anyone tell her how I’m feeling. Can anyone inform her about me. Can anyone tell her what she means to me? Anyone? Please? Anyone? Make it stop. I don’t want to be this miserable. Can anyone take this pain away from me? Can anyone make this shivering stop? Can anyone take this pain off my chest? Fuck. Can anyone hear me?
Not even a single soul.
Not even God himself.
Fuck my miserable fucking life.