Shivering

It all started in the heat of 2013 when i was surrounded by sand and buildings. That was the first time i discovered what truly shivering means. I did not know it back then and thought of it as a normal fear in life. My imagination was unaware of this act, and definitely a stranger to the thought that words and actions can cause this effect on a person.

Believe me, i was a normal person. I had my share of fears but they were never too strong to make me feel this helpless. Sitting underneath those tall high rise buildings, my gut feeling kicked in and tried telling me that something is coming my way, something unexpected, something miserable, something that will haunt me for the rest of my life, along with many other warnings. Me being me, completely denied all of those accusations. My beliefs were always too strong to believe in any of that. but my gut feeling was right all along.

My belief was: I’ve not done anything like that, she wouldn’t too. I’ve loved her more than my own limits, she would too. I would never hurt her, she wouldn’t. All those beliefs, an optimistic person would have. I had them. Until

I can’t. I thought I’d able to write it down but i cant. i can’t get it together. i can’t. i thought maybe i could write it all down because i cant talk to anybody about it. i thought i would write. but i can’t. This was not the plan before starting this blog, It was suppose to be my thing, where i write about this non stop shivering and heaviness in my head and chest. but i can’t.I’m too helpless to write anything. why do i feel that saying anything bad about her or saying anything that has caused me trouble will be betrayal to her and to my love. After all she is the one i still love and is my world.

I’m sorry.

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3 thoughts on “Shivering

  1. You don’t have to be sorry – most of us have carried that horrible cement block of hurt around with us – some drag it around for a little while and others drag it around for the rest of their lives. The greatest gift you can give yourself is the freedom to move forward – it will be slow but you do shuffle forwards, as long as you allow yourself. Some days you just tread water, some days you even go a step or two backwards but hang in there – it does change. Try to focus on the man you are supposed to be working towards, the man you know that someone like her will want to be with – it may not be her that you are with, but someone who sees the man you become will want to love you forever – just put a foot forwards 🙂 You’re in my thoughts and please feel free to contact me on my contact me page in a private email if you would like to talk – you’re not alone – I know that doesn’t help but it’s true 😉

    Liked by 1 person

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