It all started in the heat of 2013 when i was surrounded by sand and buildings. That was the first time i discovered what truly shivering means. I did not know it back then and thought of it as a normal fear in life. My imagination was unaware of this act, and definitely a stranger to the thought that words and actions can cause this effect on a person.
Believe me, i was a normal person. I had my share of fears but they were never too strong to make me feel this helpless. Sitting underneath those tall high rise buildings, my gut feeling kicked in and tried telling me that something is coming my way, something unexpected, something miserable, something that will haunt me for the rest of my life, along with many other warnings. Me being me, completely denied all of those accusations. My beliefs were always too strong to believe in any of that. but my gut feeling was right all along.
My belief was: I’ve not done anything like that, she wouldn’t too. I’ve loved her more than my own limits, she would too. I would never hurt her, she wouldn’t. All those beliefs, an optimistic person would have. I had them. Until
I can’t. I thought I’d able to write it down but i cant. i can’t get it together. i can’t. i thought maybe i could write it all down because i cant talk to anybody about it. i thought i would write. but i can’t. This was not the plan before starting this blog, It was suppose to be my thing, where i write about this non stop shivering and heaviness in my head and chest. but i can’t.I’m too helpless to write anything. why do i feel that saying anything bad about her or saying anything that has caused me trouble will be betrayal to her and to my love. After all she is the one i still love and is my world.