If Only

At the start of everyday he thinks everything is going to be better today, he will live again, he will be happy again, he will be focused and strike back as a person that he was. but that’s just the beginning…

The beginning of another day full of pain and agony. His thoughts might sound positive but the same thoughts also kill a part of him every single day. The self questioning never stops. I talk about him most of the time but there are times when i don’t want to write to him, i just want to hold him straight and tell him it’s okay to forget and it’s okay to let go, and she will never love you the same, you never meant anything to her, you could never fulfill her emptiness, she just couldn’t be happy with someone like you. I also want to tell him that no matter what you think about yourself, i still love you. focus on me a little and you might find the happiness and peace you’re looking for.

But, i also want him to learn, on his own. I want him to fall. I want him to shatter into pieces and i want to see him collect those pieces and become something that he should be. I want him to see the light on his own. I don’t want him to see the shinning bright lights through anyone or anywhere, i want him to see the light that lies within him. The light that has always been there for her and the people around him. The light others could see in him but he himself never discovered that light.

Starts the day with positivity, but he has to understand that there is nothing in this world that disappears with the rising sun, neither will the memories, the beautiful monstrous memories that he made with her. They are truly beautiful but they also haunt him every second and make him realize that he is no more, she is no more, they is no more. With the rising sun, he loses his positivity every second and by the time the sun is shinning as bright as it can, he can see himself drowning in the same sorrows all over again.

Shivering

Pain

Hurt

Helpless

Lost

He starts looking for distractions, A shade perhaps, where he can hide or find peace. Again, i want to make him stand in the heat and tell him that peace is a luxury you can not afford at this stage, you have to go through this pain and move with it. If only he listened. If only.

Despite her flaws and mistakes, he loves her unconditionally. He still thinks more about her than himself, the things he does to kill himself for her happiness. He says that he can find peace and happiness in her smile and laughter, he says that her voice can make him shine again, her kisses can make him live again, her touch can make him a human being again, her words can take him to the magical world again, away from all this pain and hurting. I never understood the power of love, i never want to, but from what he tells i do want to fall in love once just to see what he means. I do want him to be with her, simply because i want to see all of this happening.

Then comes the time when the sun finally decides to leave the poor and helpless souls alone and starts drowning, That’s when he decides to come out of that shelter, He starts looking for the part of himself that the sun took from him, Searching, nothing. He never finds it. It’s gone. That’s when the helpless feeling kicks in again and he realizes that it was never a part of him and it can never be with him. He loses his hope and calls himself hopeless. His mind stops looking for that missing peace but his eyes never do, as if they can see it but can’t signal the brain to notice it. It’s right there, in front of him, but he cant. His eyes full of water, ignored.

I wanted to pick up that missing piece and hand it to him and tell him that nobody took anything from you, it’s still here. I don’t. I don’t because i know he would just ignore that missing part or deny that he owns that part like all the other missing pieces. I wanted to tell him that no matter what you do, don’t give up searching, you will find it. I don’t.

He starts thinking what he can do to get her back. In his thoughts only she exists, nothing for me. His thoughts are private even for himself, he’s scared that he only opened that door for one person in the whole world, and that one person closed that door on his face and now he is just too scared to open that door to anyone. Even for me.

I want to inform that closing that door also means that he his locking himself in those walls too. If only he listens. If only.

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