I’m going through all of this and i don’t even know if she even wants me there anymore and if i make sense to her anymore or has she found someone shes is attracted to or maybe she is just busy with her new busy life and her new found loved one who i do not know if love her or keep her safe. i have no idea what is going on and i cant get it together to stop myself from getting in touch with her. i need to stop and i need to focus on my life a little and help myself too. but i cant. i cant stop thinking about her and how i can make things better for her and in this process i cant understand that i am not making things better for her I’m just destroying things for her destroying her fun and love for others she has so much to give. she hardly thinks about me now, she learned the easy way to prioritize while I’m just stuck in that little world of mine where i cant even think straight, thinking out of the box remains a question.
I don’t know where to start and where to end? why cant i just leave her alone. I asked her today and she told me that she is perfectly fine and I’m really happy that she is and i wish that she gets happy more than anything in the world. i don’t know where to go and who to talk to. For me you have always been my home and i always had that understanding that no matter what happens i know in the end i could go to my home and feel all relaxed and covered. You have always been my defense. i still seek defense with you and i have no idea what I’m doing with my life without you.
I’m planning and making an effort just to see you and meet you at the other end of the world, the destinations seems like a mountain to me every time i plan but then i remember the words that i said to you that i will move the mountains to be with you. The problem is not that. the problem is within me. i cant get over the thoughts that if she even wants to see my face anymore or even wants to meet me. i asked her if i can come, she said yes, she couldn’t have said no but she also added that she wants to call her friends i don’t know if she wants to meet me alone as if i was some kind of demon that she doesn’t know. I’ve never done any harm to her that she is scared of meeting me alone. I’ve never done anything without her permission. i have respected her each and everything. then why? maybe she has moved on. maybe she has recovered from those injuries that i gave to her. i always thought i was her end and beginning but now it seems like I’m nothing to her, nothing but just a crazy little fellow running after her everyday that she is trying to avoid every single day. i don’t know the reason, i might never even get to know what it all means and might never even get to know why she thinks like that anymore. all that i have from all of this are the miserable destroying thoughts :
she has found someone
better than you
more loving than you
more gentle than you
more understanding to you.
I don’t understand why I’m comparing myself to anyone. i should be satisfied with myself and understand that i did everything that i could for her but my efforts were not enough. i was never enough. maybe that’s why i still want to try because i never reached that level of satisfaction. i have so many maybes and ifs and should s and could s in my head and its so jumbled up that i cant even make sense to me.
I’m not focused on my work or anything because i cant seem to think anything other than her. i just don’t want to stop writing. i want to talk to someone but the fear of me being rejected by my own people for whining all the time stops me. i just want to keep writing about her and how she made me feel and about my feelings and whatever i have inside of me.words are never enough. why? no matter how much i write i just cant get enough of it. every day brings something new to me and makes me feel like a fucking slave of my own feelings. i don’t want these fucking feelings.
and right now i don’t give a fuck if this writing makes sense to anyone or if anybody understands or sounds suicidal and crazy and childish i clearly don’t give a fuck. this is for me. and for her.
I don’t give a fuck if while I’m writing this my hands are shivering and I’m dying from the inside i just want someone to know or i just want myself to know what the fuck is happening to me. I really wish that you understood what I’m feeling right now, i know some people who do but i don’t want them to i don’t expect them to i want you to understand and know it better than anyone because i never let those people in and i never explained myself to those feelings, they do not know what you know, i only want you to understand me and know what is going in this fucking brain of mine. this fire, only you can stop this fire, i wake up in the middle of the night taking your name of waking up with a dream in which i see you with someone and who is better than me, kills me. wake up being cold as fuck, damaged. Why cant you be there? i don’t have any complaints for you, i know i say that but then just look at the fucking things i say and write, they all look like all i do is complaint and nothing else. i don’t want to be this person that i am turning into, I’m not this messed up person. i want to be me again. i want to look in the mirror and smile again and not just fucking stare myself in the mirror and try to find where the fuck am i and who the fuck is this and what the fuck is this, i smile when i see myself in the mirror crying and whining and full of tears that are fucking painful. I laugh at myself for being the person that I’ve become. i try to act like this tough person but h’m gonna break that soon and when it does happen i don’t know what will be there left in me, the storm might kill the remaining pieces of me. i don’t want to end myself for something that ended like this most of all i never wanted this to end, us. i never wanted you this far from me and at a distance where i just stand with my hand trying to reach you but cant see it or reach it.
i have to go now, but my fight with myself is not over, it never will be. i will continue this very soon. i don’t need magical and fancy words to explain this pain to myself. raw fucking childish words would do.