Old notes in phone 1

Something that I wrote ages ago, when things were a little rough between us. I still remember each and every talk and how I’ve been trying to make it better for her everyday. I don’t want nice words and things for myself. I only want her to have everything because if there’s anyone in the world who deserves it all, it’s her. That smile is more precious than anything in the world for me. I would kill my thousand lives for her one genuine smile. She deserves to be happy and be with someone who will keep her happy and fill in the emptiness that I could never fill. But darling don’t ever forget that I love you more than anything in my world. I’d never let go of you but I shall remain quite for your happiness and your survival. I shall burry my sorrows and pains inside of me for you. They seem very small in front of your smiling face. 

Tere liye khush toh Bohat ho kah tu apni manzil ki taraf barh rahi hai. Itna khush kah tujhay Bata nahi sakta. Bus tujhay woh mil jaye jis ki tujhay chah hai. Tu pareshaan mat ho meri jaan sub theek ho ga tere liye. 

Tere liye khush toh Bohat ho Laiken thora darta bhi kah tujh ko main yaad nahi raho ga us Kay baad Laiken uska koi ghum nahi kum se kum tu toh khush ho gi, main apni khushi tujhay khush dekh kar dhondh lo ga. Meri toh khushi hai hi Teri khushi main.

Dekh na Mujhay kah rab Kay agay hath uthata ho apnay liye Laiken lub mangtay tere liye hai. Alfaaz nikaltay hai Teri Raza Kay liye. Main kyun ho Itna bebus?! Kyun main apnay Apko sambhaal nahi paa Raha?! 

Tu nay aik dafa bola tha Mujh se yeh “I worry sometimes I have nothing left to give to someone new. I have given it all to you. Should the need arise, will you return it to me please?” I don’t think I could return it to you when it was needed and I saw it fade away from your heart the hopes you had from me. Forgive me for I have failed you too in this life. But my God knows that I have tried and still am and always will. 

I would want to wake up to you, and look at your things at my dressing table, I want my pillow to smell of you whenever I wake up, I want to see my bathroom glass fogged up with a smiley face from you, I want to come home looking forward to seeing you, I want to wake up and see you smiling next to me but I don’t think you want all of that anymore and I don’t blame you for it. I never will. 

Funny how things change with time and you become something/someone once they were. And how you can relate yourself to sad songs and writings. Once upon a time she said: today i am sad and worthless and everything hurts and today i would do anything to escape my own existence, i would do anything to not be me. 

it’s been a long time since i’ve had cause to say this but even after all this time, here i am, saying it – i don’t think i have anyone to talk to.

i was always the communication queen, the ‘talk it out and it shall be better’ champ, but the older i get, the quieter i get. it just feels like there’s no point in saying much any more. my grief, and my anger, are both mine to feel and mine to deal with. what do i get by baring my soul again and again and again?

of course, the flip side is that, with my temper, i belong in anger management anyway, so this doesn’t help much. there’s just so much sadness and so much bitterness and rage suppressed here. and in the end, there is no one but you to cry to and no one but myself to pick up the pieces. 

I agree with each and every word and can relate to words. I’m sorry that I made you feel like that once I wish I could turn back time and make myself worthy of your love and give you everything that I have. Give you all the happiness and take all of your tears from you and wouldn’t complaint about them. I never thought I would write for someone or even for myself but look at me now that I need a phone or paper to talk to myself. I was my bestfriend but it’s like I can’t even communicate with my own brain now. 

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