A little honest to myself.

Today i think I’m going to be a little honest to myself.

I did something that i shouldn’t have done.

i did something which i know is going to haunt me.

i did something that is ethically wrong.

So, today i did some stalking of her and found out that she is with this another man now, after saying so many words to me and giving me excuses that she wants to be single and alone and all of that, she is with someone else now. someone i saw coming in her life when she was on the phone with me and telling me that she loves me and there’s nothing better than me. Well, look at that she already found a better person. I don’t know if i should be feel bad for checking or happy that i found out. whichever it is, i just know one thing that it really hurts and it really does.

I want to go my friends and hug them and tell them i am sorry that i left all of you for her and tell them that i honestly thought she was the one, but she never even thought of it that, Even if she says she meant each and every word she said to me then why did you find distractions in these 3 years time.

I mean common, you can cheat once and be forgiven, twice and again forgiven, thrice and again forgiven but how do i recover from this fourth injury that you have given me? I do not wish anything bad for you, i really don’t but i also hope that someday, someone treats you the same and that is when you will realize how much it hurts and how much you’ve hurt me and broken me. I don’t want any revenge from you i just want you to realize what you have done to me.

I read it somewhere today

“confidence is quite, insecurities are loud”

I replied to that BULLSHIT.

if anyone is reading this, can you tell me if i am wrong to feel insecure?

she thinks i assume, yeah i do. but am i wrong if i caught her three times red handed with another man. I still assume and panic and wake up with fears that what has the new man done to something that was mine once. I wake up and tell myself every morning that she is not yours anymore and you are nothing to her, but then i hear her soft voice whispering in my ears, reminding me of all the things you’ve said to me once. i know you didn’t mean any of it. “actions speak louder than words” if that applies to me then the same applies to you. They were only words to you and nothing else. she said:

You are my home.

i will fight for you.

I have realized what you are and i cant be without you.

Lies

and a million other lies like these.

Thats the problem with hopeless people like me, we know it all, we know what is wrong and what is right, still we continue because as i said we are hopeless and small loving words give us hope and we start to think that these words will last a few days and give us some more hope. although we are well aware of the fact that they are too good to be true for people like us but no we are too damn stubborn to admit the truth to ourselves.

I don’t know what else to tell myself, it is useless and pointless. I never listen to myself and probably never will.

I can just hope that someday i do.

We Are flawed, she said.

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