Just a little Urdu 

Jitni shiddat Se tumhain paanay ki koshish Ki hai, Utni shiddat se khud ko khoya hai. 
Hum Ko mokamal karnay kay liye,

Khud Ko adhora chora hai. 
Teri muskarahat Ki chah main, 

Khud Kay anso Ko bhoola ho. 
Tujh Ko bhulanay Ki uljhan main, 

Khud Se uljhaa ho. 
Rothay lamho Ko moor laya ho phir Se, 

Teri yaadon main khud Ko smait chuka ho ab toh. 
Afsaano main Tera zikar karta ho aksar, 

Bahaano main naam leta ho magar, 

Hur qisa Tere na honay Ki gawahi deta hai, 

Taqdeer Ki manzar biyaan karta hai Teri bewaafai Kay alam. 
Tujh Ko dekhnay Ki iltijah main khud Ko begaana lagnay laga ho, 

Ab toh aina Bhi mujh Se mun pher baitha hai. 
Jeena mera mushkil tha Tere bin, 

Magar Jee Gaya ho main, 

Tere diye zakhmo Kay saharay. 

Tere totay waado Kay asaray, 
Tere ghum main chal diya ho, 

Manzal anjaan hai,

Raasta gumnaan hai, 

Bus Tere qadmo Ki ahaat Ko taras Gaya ho. 
Dard main Tera Naam leta ho, 

Nafraat Kay alfaaz main tujh Se pyaar Ki iltijah karta ho. 
Tere qareeb Honay Kay liye, khud Ko bebas samjhta ho. Kah ab toh totay kaanch main tujhay talaash karta ho. 
Hur anjaan raah main tujhay takta ho, 

Berukhi Se Tera naam leta ho, 

Tu anjaan hai meri mohabbat Se, 

Pareshaan ho main apni ghaflat Se, 

Tu mera Nahi. 
Jitni shiddat Se tujh Se mohabbat Ki hai, 

Utni shiddat Se khud Se nafrat Ki hai. 

Tere hur faislay main khud Ko dhondhta raha, 

Anjaan tha, 

Faislo main kabhi na main tha na hum,

Sirf tu tha. 
Apnay khuda Se maanga tujhay sub Se barh kar, 

Dua main us nay Tujh Ko hi cheen liya, 
Teri bewaafai meri haar Ka saboot hai, 

Meri bebasi mere faislo ka ghuroor hai. 
Shiddat Se pyaar kiya tujhay, ab toh aik Dua hai,

Shiddat Se bhoolna chahta ho tujhay. 
Apnay apko dhoondh kar, 

Tujh Ko mitaana chahta ho. 
Un galion main wapis Jana chahta ho,

Jahan na Tu, na Tera zikar. 

Sirf umeed Ki khamooshi. 

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Dying to write 

I’m dying to write about my hatred and love for you but I can’t seem to get the words and thoughts together to explain what I feel about you. 

I don’t have subtle words to tell you that you’ve hurt me in such a way that I can’t get over this pain, the more I feel it the more anger builds up for you. 

I just want to call you and scream at you for what you’ve done to me and where you’ve left me. I know it’s not only you, I’m equally responsible but my wrongs just seem so justified. I don’t want them to be justified as I look for answers. 

I’ve forgotten the difference between what is right and wrong. I really am dying to write to you,about you. But I don’t have the words for you. 

False

I wish for you to be happy, I hope to see the light that lies within. 
In my False thoughts, 

Voices echo, 
Forgiveness, 

Forget, 

Nourish,

Beauty, 
my broken world of words, 

I repeat, 
I may forget you, 

Tears might stop someday, 

Pain shall survive, 
Will never forget the scars, 

Existence of you can disappear, 

But the thought of pain caused, 

Remains. 
I hope to see you nourish, 

In your world, 

With your colors, 

Carrying that beautiful smile of yours, 

Wandering massive eyes, 

Forgotten what was with me, 

But the hope that brought us together, 

Will also remind you of me. 
Beauty of the world still undiscovered, 

Something we all desire, 

The quest shall continue, 

Till I find myself, 

To the day when I rest in peace. 
Wishing good for you has always been a habit, 

Condolences have been a part, 

You have taught me well, 

I never needed another demon. 
A split of me wants to conquer,

The other wants to survive.
Somewhere along the battle of my worlds, 

I’ve forgotten where I belong, 

With me, 

With myself. 
once differentiated me from myself, 

Either faded, 

Or evolved. 
In those thoughts I fight, 

Win or lose, 

It takes a part of me. 
Easy for you to resemble, 

While i still try to assemble myself. 
As the artificial world tells, 

You might forget the person,

But you’ll never forget the journey that brought you here.  

Resemblance 

I start my day by thinking about you. 

Every morning, I wake up and think about you and your smile. Look at my phone if you’ve left a message for me. It’s been a while, but I still wait for it every morning. There’s nothing. I stare at your picture for a while and then I start writing the message I want to send but never end up sending it. Nothing in particular, a simple good morning and the usual I love you and miss you and tell you that you’re my life, my moon and my shine. 

I light a smoke, look at your picture but somehow it’s never enough. I feel like I can just sit and stare at it for a million years and never get tired of looking at you. Remembering the times when I could see you and love you and touch you. I can’t complaint of those times, they were the best days of my life and I still live with the hope that someday I’ll make more memories with you and that time will turn out to be better than the past. I blow the smoke of the cigerretes sideways, how can I blow it on your picture? How can I pollute something so beautiful and pure. 

Also, experience some painful thoughts, if you ever sit like me and look at my pictures, our pictures. Do you remember those times? I might be the most under confident person, but I’m pretty sure that you do, that’s something I achieved in your life, memories. I kill a part of myself everyday. I say these things and then realize that I don’t own myself anymore, I gave you all that was left of me, all the best parts. Now I’m just left with a worthless body and a mind full of negative thoughts. I don’t know what to do with them. So I just sit here and try to find ways to destroy these two things left of me. They say negativity can make you love yourself and make you do things for yourself, I strongly disagree even in my negative thoughts, you exist as a strong beautiful queen, defended by me, even in my worst I cannot imagine hurting  you. I never want to. The negative thoughts were always mine and for myself, never for you my love. 

I gather myself, seems impossible, thinking that you would want me to,so I just try to. I get up and get back in the race, the world values so much. Mind distracted, thoughts of you, I continue. I want to stop in the middle of the track and let the world know that this is not me running for myself, this is me running for her and for her happiness, she deserves it, she deserves it all.

I may not be the one to decide what you deserve, but I’ve wished well for you and I hope you know that more than anything. 

I might loose my faith in you one day, but I’d still remember the words I said to you while holding your hands, the way I touched your ace and how I kissed you when you were in my arms, I’d always remember the taste of you. All the bitterness cannot take this away from me. 

Easy way 

Woke up with a fear in my heart, wanting to talk someone and even started looking around and the only person i found was me. So, i started talking to myself,explained a lot of stuff to myself.

Would it have been the same if she was honest to me that she just doesnt want to be with me, rather then lying to me and telling me that she wants to be single and it wont work out? i dont mind giving you that space if you really wanted that space for yourself but i do mind you saying those words to me and then going to the same routine of cheating behind my back. We have known each other long enough to be honest and i could have handled the truth much better than the lies you told me.

I’m not a fucking kid who cant figure this shit out and tell if you’re being honest or not.

You said you have tried everything and it doesnt seem to work out. To be honest that is lie too, you never really tried, no matter how much you think you tried, you never did. You always wanted this to happen, you were always out there looking for distractions and replacements and back up plans. if you were actually trying then in these four years you would have never done these things to hurt me. Nothing works out by doing these things, if you really did try then you wouldn’t have fallen for any other men in these four years, but you fell for four guys in four years. You always make things work and if you really want something than you never stop trying but sweetheart you were never trying to achieve anything here, you were always looking for a way out and a comfortable one. for you this process of cheating has always been the easiest way out.

Their level of perception 

Some might not understand what you say, Some might not feel what you express, 
There comes a time when you get tired, 

Explaining becomes harder, 

Expectations raised, 

People only understand with their level of perception, 

They can only give to some extent. 
It won’t be long before you’re just a memory. 

The existence that once represented you will fly way. 

The words about you, the ones that moved you. Long gone. 
We believe in history as a strong a part of future, 

It only acts for our flaws. 

Something to learn from, 

Something to move forward, 

With the burdened shoulders. 
We carry the weight of our mistakes, 

As we hold on to them, 

Letting go was never an option. 

Why should we? 

They’re something that we created. 
Every mistake, every flaw,

Kept alive, 

Just to remind what not to repeat. 
We don’t see people who are miles away, 

But the flaw in their existence put one in mind, 
I’ve seen people separate, 

I’ve seen them become lovers, 

And then strangers. 

I’ve seen myself becoming that stranger. 
Followed by the events, 

Darkest nights, 

Lonely nights, 

Helpless hours. 
Where do they get us? 

Every path may not lead to them, 

But every track is ours to follow, 

We might not be the destination, 

But we were always the smooth layer of your path. 
Some might claim that they were a part of my journey, 

Some might explain that they were never meant to be on that road. 

Some might feel that they got left behind along these stony steps. 
It’s all about perception when it comes to that. 

You’re the one who walked those miles with them, 

You’re the one who saw them move miles away, 

You’re the one who felt the anger when they left, 

You’re the one who buried the tears just so they could smile. 
The perception of you, 

The thought of you, 

The expressing of you. 
That’s what you feel. 

And that’s what matters.

April the 13th 

April 13th. 
Today is the day when it all started,

Today is the day that we departed, 

Today is the day that I remember, 

Today is the day when I lost my faith, 

Today is the day when I lost my love, 

Today is the day that I was introduced to darkness. 

Today is the day it all ended. 
A date, 

A number, 

A day, 

A memory. 
A date that changed my destiny, 

A number that crosses the remains, 

A day when my world shattered, 

A memory that haunts me. 
So much to believe, 

No hope to be found, 
Every memory of this day stays, 

Keeping it alive, 

I see it all, feel it all. 

The trembling to think that we could go back,

The forgotten sound of what I believed was love. 

The shaking moment that I thought was the end of me. 

The shattering feeling that I felt was the true me. 

All trapped there, within me. 

All trapped in a date, a number, a day, a memory.  
It is the day that reminded me of what I’ve become, 

It’s the same day that I thought would pass like any other, 

It’s the memory that I imagined would fade as the clock ticks, 
The more I try to forget, 

The more it stays. 

Every passing day is nothing but a reminder of today. 
A whole year has passed, i imagined myself at much better places, but I still sit here with the same words and same memories. I don’t know what’s left of me to give to you or anybody. I know it’s just words for now, I know. But they feel and fit right for what I am right now. 
I thought, things would change and maybe I’d see a little bit of myself again. Nothing changed and in this process it feels like I’ve lost myself. 
I try not to find you anymore, I hide it, I push it down. But somehow you just manage to appear everywhere, in my saddest moments, in my happiest moments, in my loneliness. I try to forget your face, but every time I close my eyes, I see you. I wake up to your face and sleep to your thoughts. 
I thought I’d lose you in the colors of this world,

Somehow you just manage to be the only thing that made sense while everything just seems black and white. I don’t know what color you are now, all I know that I always found my colors in you. 
My hatred for you survived, even through this. I rant with aggression, I don’t think I’m actually angry, I just find reasons to say your name in all times. I think I’m pretty sad. 
Talking seems to be reasonable, 

Expressing what lies in me, 

Nobody seems to get that, nobody seems to understand what I want to say. 

Nobody knows what I feel and how I feel about you. 

You might think that this would say a lot about what I feel and how I feel, trust me it doesn’t. 
I’m broken inside,

As much as I hate to say it,

I am. 
I’m on my knees begging for acceptance to myself. 

Looking at myself in the mirror scares me of what I’ve become. 
I’ve lost my faith, 

In myself, 

In you, 

In them. 
I dial your number every night, 

Bring myself to thoughts that I want to express. 

Release myself from this pain that’s building up. 
There’s a lot that lies with this day, 

But I’d rather stop then continue. 
This might be me, 

Someone I do not know. 

But something that’s just a part of me now. 

I might end up forgetting you, 

But I will never forget what followed. 
April the 13th. 

A day, 

A date,

A number, 

A memory.