I start my day by thinking about you. 

Every morning, I wake up and think about you and your smile. Look at my phone if you’ve left a message for me. It’s been a while, but I still wait for it every morning. There’s nothing. I stare at your picture for a while and then I start writing the message I want to send but never end up sending it. Nothing in particular, a simple good morning and the usual I love you and miss you and tell you that you’re my life, my moon and my shine. 

I light a smoke, look at your picture but somehow it’s never enough. I feel like I can just sit and stare at it for a million years and never get tired of looking at you. Remembering the times when I could see you and love you and touch you. I can’t complaint of those times, they were the best days of my life and I still live with the hope that someday I’ll make more memories with you and that time will turn out to be better than the past. I blow the smoke of the cigerretes sideways, how can I blow it on your picture? How can I pollute something so beautiful and pure. 

Also, experience some painful thoughts, if you ever sit like me and look at my pictures, our pictures. Do you remember those times? I might be the most under confident person, but I’m pretty sure that you do, that’s something I achieved in your life, memories. I kill a part of myself everyday. I say these things and then realize that I don’t own myself anymore, I gave you all that was left of me, all the best parts. Now I’m just left with a worthless body and a mind full of negative thoughts. I don’t know what to do with them. So I just sit here and try to find ways to destroy these two things left of me. They say negativity can make you love yourself and make you do things for yourself, I strongly disagree even in my negative thoughts, you exist as a strong beautiful queen, defended by me, even in my worst I cannot imagine hurting  you. I never want to. The negative thoughts were always mine and for myself, never for you my love. 

I gather myself, seems impossible, thinking that you would want me to,so I just try to. I get up and get back in the race, the world values so much. Mind distracted, thoughts of you, I continue. I want to stop in the middle of the track and let the world know that this is not me running for myself, this is me running for her and for her happiness, she deserves it, she deserves it all.

I may not be the one to decide what you deserve, but I’ve wished well for you and I hope you know that more than anything. 

I might loose my faith in you one day, but I’d still remember the words I said to you while holding your hands, the way I touched your ace and how I kissed you when you were in my arms, I’d always remember the taste of you. All the bitterness cannot take this away from me. 


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