I do

When will it stop? 
Waking up to your pictures, 

Losing the control over myself, 

Knowing that you’re with someone better, 

Maybe loved more than ever. 
Mine just a forgotten face to you, 

No harmony in listening to my name, 

The useless assumptions of mine,

Cutting through my veins, 

I still see your name. 
Dreaming of your existence, 

Nothing more to see,

Just your name,

Just your beauty. 
A face to live again for,

A hug to die for, 

A touch to revive all that I have lost. 
Weaker in this moment, 

And in every, 
Raising my hands to ask God if I can forget you, 

Your name in the prayer reminds me of you, 

Time after time, 

The pray is nothing but your happiness, 

The only thing I live for. 
These are all words of my sadness, 

I don’t know why I write, 

But I do.

I don’t know what I seek, 

But I do. 
Lived a moment just to say, 

I do. 

To see your face next to mine when I wake up, 

I do. 
As crazy as it is, 

You are his, 

And he is yours, 

I’m just a name, 

A memory of failure. 
Nothing but a lesson learnt from my name, 

Existence that faded with time and love, 

Smiles that I broke, 

Patches that someone new shared.
I am replaced. 

I am forgotten, 

I know that, 

I understand that, 

I do.

Not me.?

Waking up to your pictures again, 

I thought by now, I would’ve been better and shall not feel the same about looking at your face. 

But to be honest, it’s all still the same for me. Your smile just takes away everything. Knowing that you’re with someone better. Maybe loved more than ever. 

I don’t doubt myself at all about loving you, because in my capacity I’ve loved you more than anyone, and anything. And will always do. Every word and every moment with you is still the same for me. There’s not a single thing that I’ve forgotten about. But those are my moments and my failure that I couldn’t keep you happy. Maybe you wanted more from the world and more from me. I failed you sweetheart. I failed you marina. 

Trust me, I never wanted to. I tried. I don’t know where I went wrong, I don’t know where I lost us. Maybe because I thought you were our strength and I never thought of being our strength. I don’t know if I could’ve held up the standard but I did try. I was ready to leave everything for you and everyone. I might regret it a little now but not always. Because you’re not with me now. By you’re in my dreams and in my thoughts. I close my eyes at night and see you, I open them in the morning and I see your smiling face. 
I don’t know where to look for you. I don’t contact you because you have me all wrong. My God knows how much I miss you. And how far you are from me. I imagine myself being very close to you. I really do. Sometimes in your pictures I see the broken mark that I left in your smile. 

No matter how much I’m hurting, no matter how much pain I have in this little heart of mine. A smile of yours can heal everything of me. I don’t know what really will happen if I ever could go back into time. But I don’t think I’ll change anything from my memories. 

My regrets were always the same, of not holding you at that time and telling you that it’s not your fault sweetheart and it will all be okay one day. Which I know it is for you. But my wishes to your happiness will never end. They remain. 

I tell the world how I’m okay and I’ve moved on and it’s not meant to be. But nobody knows what I go through everyday. Putting up a fake smile, laughing with the world. When there’s a storm inside of me. Trying to rip me apart every day. 

I don’t know why I write about you all the time, maybe because I have nothing else on my mind. And if I’m being honest sometimes I also think bad of you. And blame you for a lot of stuff. I don’t think that’s me or maybe this is not me. I don’t know anything anymore. You left me at a stage where I don’t even recognize myself anymore. I don’t know the person that I’ve become. Searching for people in words and memories. That was never me. Thinking of two different worlds to combine. That’s not me. You’ve always been this way but not me. 

Tick tick 

After a few ticks of the clock,

We think that we have forgotten time and it has passed,

it really has,

but then there’s a click that we forget,

a tingling sound in our head,

A reminder,

Monstrous but beautiful,

A thought followed by millions.

 

Dedications 

Trapped in the light of your eyes, 

Broken to the search of your touch. 

Surrounded with the silence of what you left. 

A burning desire, 

Everything to be torn and turned into ashes, 

Seeking for your reflection in others, 

Unexplainable thoughts to claim, 

Nothing to be found comparable to you, 

Castles in air, 

For one last time to have you, 

To conquer what lies beneath your skin, 

Another hope to touch you. 

My sincerity against my lust, 

The numbness to be broken in pieces. 

For you are the demon, 

I run and chase. 

Every word dedicated to you. 

Street 14 

I remember walking with you on the 14th street, When it was dark and cold, 

I remember saying something that didn’t make sense to any of us, 

The smile that you gave me approving of everything, 

I might not have a memory of my words of that night, 

Just a picture of you smiling in my mind, 

A smile I can never forget, 

Your pretty hair falling on your cheek and moving with the air, 

Annoying you, 

But perfectly waving, 

You eyes shining as you walk with me, 

Short of breath, 

But still aiming for what lies ahead, 

As always me trying to catch up, 

People wondering who these two are, 

My intentional habit of walking close to you just so my hand could touch yours, 

To feel the touch of your skin, 

One of the many ways to connect myself to you. 

My never ending tries to hold your hand through that street. 

Talking you into all kinds of conversations just to make you stay for a few more minutes. 

Hoping time would stop. 

It doesn’t for anyone. 

All we can do is capture them and keep them in a pocket of our mind. 

Reminding us how beautiful it was. 

How grateful it was to be with you. 
Trying to make another moment memorable with you. 
I know most of them have faded for you, 

For me they’re the key to survival, 

In my world, 

Where I have to live and move without you. 

My words always claimed that I’d die without you. 

But here I am,

Still breathing, 

Still counting minutes of missing you, 

Writing about all the memories,

I might fade away too someday but someone will know that how dear these moments were. 

Maybe not me but someone will find peace in them. 

Claim them 

Assuming that we always have time, 
Never realizing that it will all slip away one day, 

We concentrate on living for the future or in the past, 

The present brings us presents but we refuse to claim them. 

We are broken in our worlds to recognize what we have today. 

There will be enough time to analyze time and mistakes, 

There won’t be enough to fix them and regret over them. 

The moments that have passed will never return the same. 

They’re history and will always be. 

They don’t repeat themselves. 

As much as we want a sequel there will be none. 

Let go off the fight and open your arms to the freedom. 

Let the air pass through you. 

Welcome the unwanted desires, 

Greet the future mistakes. 

As they shall only offer new memories. 

Desires 

I want more of you. 

Always more. 

Your whole mouth. 

Your lips adhere  to mine, 

Feel your gasp as I grip my hands to yours, 

The bite on your lower lip, 

As I tie your hands with a ribbon behind your waist, 

My lips burried on your unsullied shoulder, 

I want your bare naked skin, 

To taste you, 

To annihilate you,  

Leaving a mark to claim, 

As you tremble, 

Unfolded. 

Lost time 

Looking back time has always been hard, 

The moments, 

The lost smiles, 

The thoughts. 

Always haunting what it was 

And what it is. 

Nothing to do but to share a few, 

Just to describe the priceless moments with meaningless words. 

Consumed rejections that live long enough, 

Trembling nights that made you stronger, 

Stronger in the eyes of you. 

Broken into pieces but collected. 

A mask that lies, 

A smile that you practice for the world to see. 

Never to reveal the secret behind those bordered cheeks. 

They might not know you now, 

But one day they will see beyond the rainbows and butterflies, 

The grey scale will take cover someday. 

It will rain one day and take it all away from you. 

Helpless and hopeless as you stand today. 

You shall see the light again striking from within the dark clouds. 

Untouchable as it has always been for you. 

Always raise your hand to it, 

Because hope is all we’ve got. 

That’s what he said to her when there was nothing to hope for. 

Those were his words to her back then and now. 

He never believed in them, but he saw them as words that could change the tears into a broken smile. 

A emotion he could hold onto. 

You might end up holding on to 

Start to end 

There’s a smile in every moment, 

There’s a feel in every touch. 

When the skin collected and lips stretched, 

When the shivers rained as the fingers run their course. 

Someone to capture that moment, 

Someone to make memories of that. 

Desires to explain what to do, 

A mind running faster than the light, 

Just to be in that moment with that smile, with that laughter, with that touch, with that smell. 

Disguised in that beauty is the truth,

Something we might never understand. 

A mountain of denying words stands ahead. 

The beauty lies within the rocks. 

You just need an eye to look, 

A thought to claim, 

A perception to redeem, 

Words to last. 

Start to end.