Not me.?

Waking up to your pictures again, 

I thought by now, I would’ve been better and shall not feel the same about looking at your face. 

But to be honest, it’s all still the same for me. Your smile just takes away everything. Knowing that you’re with someone better. Maybe loved more than ever. 

I don’t doubt myself at all about loving you, because in my capacity I’ve loved you more than anyone, and anything. And will always do. Every word and every moment with you is still the same for me. There’s not a single thing that I’ve forgotten about. But those are my moments and my failure that I couldn’t keep you happy. Maybe you wanted more from the world and more from me. I failed you sweetheart. I failed you marina. 

Trust me, I never wanted to. I tried. I don’t know where I went wrong, I don’t know where I lost us. Maybe because I thought you were our strength and I never thought of being our strength. I don’t know if I could’ve held up the standard but I did try. I was ready to leave everything for you and everyone. I might regret it a little now but not always. Because you’re not with me now. By you’re in my dreams and in my thoughts. I close my eyes at night and see you, I open them in the morning and I see your smiling face. 
I don’t know where to look for you. I don’t contact you because you have me all wrong. My God knows how much I miss you. And how far you are from me. I imagine myself being very close to you. I really do. Sometimes in your pictures I see the broken mark that I left in your smile. 

No matter how much I’m hurting, no matter how much pain I have in this little heart of mine. A smile of yours can heal everything of me. I don’t know what really will happen if I ever could go back into time. But I don’t think I’ll change anything from my memories. 

My regrets were always the same, of not holding you at that time and telling you that it’s not your fault sweetheart and it will all be okay one day. Which I know it is for you. But my wishes to your happiness will never end. They remain. 

I tell the world how I’m okay and I’ve moved on and it’s not meant to be. But nobody knows what I go through everyday. Putting up a fake smile, laughing with the world. When there’s a storm inside of me. Trying to rip me apart every day. 

I don’t know why I write about you all the time, maybe because I have nothing else on my mind. And if I’m being honest sometimes I also think bad of you. And blame you for a lot of stuff. I don’t think that’s me or maybe this is not me. I don’t know anything anymore. You left me at a stage where I don’t even recognize myself anymore. I don’t know the person that I’ve become. Searching for people in words and memories. That was never me. Thinking of two different worlds to combine. That’s not me. You’ve always been this way but not me. 


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