Sometimes I wonder if you ever think of me like I think about you,
But then I convince myself that no you don’t, I look at your pictures and smiles in them, I try to read your broken smiles, but some of them are genuine and tell me a lot more than I should know,
That’s when I tell myself that you don’t think of me at all,
That’s when I realize I was never a part of your happy life, I was always the wheel for your journey, a trip that you took while discovering yourself, a hand to hold to walk through that stony path.
That’s when I tell myself that I lost myself in your journey and it was never mine to claim, it was always yours, your life, your words, your destiny and your ambitions, I didn’t fit anywhere in them, I was just an audience in those vacant seats, trying to fill your empty applause in your adventurous life.
That’s when I believe that someday when it’s dark for you outside your world,you will think of me, you will wonder if I’m still there, you will want to see me still sitting outside your world waiting for you to open that door and let me in, you will remember the memories that we have together. I wish you don’t. I wish that what I went through after us, you don’t. I wish that you never see yourself as I look at myself now, I wish you have a happy life in the world that you created, but I also wish that I never create the world for anyone that you created for me.
A world where I don’t trust anyone, to talk, to love,to open up. Somewhere I doubt everybody who’s loyal. Somewhere I’ve lost all my faith in God and humans.
That’s when I question myself. If I’ll every be the same person again? If I’ll ever see you again? If I’ll ever love someone again? If I’ll ever respect myself again? If I will be still waiting for you? If I still believe in magic? And a lot of other questions,
The truth is, I don’t have answers to any of my questions, I don’t have any words to explain my thoughts, I don’t know if this is what I know or these are just the hopeless assumptions that live in me.