Beyond the disaster 

In the death of lies I saw you

The most beautiful lie of my life 

Hiding behind the cracking glass

Wanting to shatter 

Contained in a shell 

Never have I seen something so beautiful 

So precious 

Full of flaws 

And yet undefined 

My jaw drops as I witness you 

Breaking those bonds 

That held you for years 

For she was the strongest bond within herself 

A morning that ends your darkness. 

A light that gives you reason. 

Beyond this world of disasters. 

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31.07

Another year for that beautiful journey of yours, 

Much has passed,

Much has to come, 

You’ve seen some, 

You’ll see more, 

Keep the smile, 

Move your feet, 

Prayers for you, 

Never stopped and never will, 

You deserve more than life itself, 

I wish to see you grow, 

See you smile, 

May you get everything that your heart desires, 

All my prayers and wishes are for you, 

Wherever you are, 

I wish the best of the best for you, 

Nothing less than perfection, 

Because you are nothing less than perfect. 

Happy birthday my jaan. 

May you have the best time of your life. 

May all your dreams come to life, 

May all your fears disappear. 

With all my love and hopes, 

May you find what you seek. 

Days when 

There are days when I want to run back to everything that I knew. 

Days when a presence of someone made me feel alive, 

When I did not know the fears that I counter today, 

Times when there was more faith in hopes and dreams, 

Still a dreamer but weakened in the bed of time, 

Run back to the moments when a smile or a gaze would change perceptions. 

Thoughts that live 

You can be anything you want to be. You can think of whatever you want to. Even if they’re the most useless things in life. Even if they have no meaning for anyone or for yourself. Your thoughts and they matter. Every single one of them. They’re fragile for anyone to touch. But still they manage to fit in a mansion of your brain. 

Sometimes it’s okay to not know them or understand them, not all of those thoughts are meant to be understood right away. Sooner or later they’ll come up with a meaning. I know they’re powerful and sometimes drift all over your body and take control of you. But someday they’ll all slip away. It just a matter of time and a touch. Doesn’t matter if it’s from you or someone else. You are blessed anyway.

Defeated 

Some are just not meant to love, for some every relationship is love and every moving partner is a companion. That is the truth that we deny. People like her forget that there’s no end to this wanting. People like me don’t remember that there’s no end to this defeat. 

Come my love 

Come my dear, 

Lay with me one more time, 

You’ve seen my sadness and happiness, 

Rest your back on the earth with me one more time, 

Let me show you my screams and fears, 

Share my trembles and terrors of the dark, 

You’ve seen my love and and my hatred, 

Sit beside me one more time and witness my madness, 

Hear my thoughts that fumble to your absence, 

You’ve seen my everything sweetheart, 

Now watch me rot in my misery. 

Lay with me one more time, 

And I promise I’ll show you a defeatist that you’ve never seen before. 

Disguise of you 

In a world of disguise we exist, 

Under the shadow of reality we fade, 

Mistaken for sympathies to apologies, 

A lie that we live every day. 

For the stars that shine for us, 

Running through our veins,

Is the trembles that we fear, 

Decisions that we make in cold sweat. 

Leaving nothing but a mark, 

A scar, 

A symbol of the days we survived, 

Not with anyone but with ourselves. 

Since the day we recognized the sunlight, 

Taught by the teachers of life,

How to survive the cruelty of our beloved ones,

When under those grey marks, 

No one, 

Not even single soul, 

Warned us about the greatest battle, 

A war that you fight every day, 

With yourself. 

Within you like raging storm. 

Any battle could be won with peace, 

But the hostility in you can never be contained. 

Happier

walking down 29th park i saw in another’s arm.

only a month we’ve been apart.

you look happier.

so you walk inside a bar,

he said something to make you laugh.

i saw that both your smiles were twice as ours.

you look happier, you do.

ain’t nobody hurt you like i hurt you

ain’t nobody love you like i do

promise that i will not take it personal.

if you’re moving on with someone new

because you look happier you do,

my friends told me one day i’ll feel it too.

and until then i smile and hide the truth but i know i was happier with you.

sat in the corner of the room, everything’s reminding of you.

nursing an empty bottle and telling myself that you’re happier. aren’t you?

i know that there’s others that deserve you. but my darling,

i’m still in love with you.

but i guess you look happier, you do.

my friends told me one day i’ll feel it to too

i could try to smile and hide the truth but i know i was happier with you.

And i knew some day you’d fall for someone new

but if he breaks your heart like lovers do.

just know that i’ll be waiting here for you.

Push down the battle 

I drive him every day to work and then home.

We don’t share a single conversation that means something to any one of us.

We ride along in silence.

I push my words and tears down with the hopeless music in the car. Every single day I repeat. Back and forth every day.

Wondering if he’s unaware or just pretending to play that game to face the harsh truth that will come out of my mouth. I can never tell if it’s his guilt to never be there.

I always thought he’d be my strength to confidence but he has been nothing but my weakness in time.

The silence that I carry everyday with him. Kills me. I push down a part of me. Wanting to scream and beg him for a response. As we drive, I realize we’re close to getting off. Maybe I should hold on a little longer and then we’ll be apart.

Maybe then I wouldn’t have to hide and he wouldn’t have to pretend to love me.

The complaints that I have might never get to him, because I’ll never say them. She was the only person I use to tell this about. Now that she’s gone.

I might never understand and he might never give in. The battle between our worlds will continue until one of gets to the road of peace. Let’s just hope it’s me before him because in the end I want him to exist forever and ever.