Today is the day when it all started,
Today is the day that we departed,
Today is the day that I remember,
Today is the day when I lost my faith,
Today is the day when I lost my love,
Today is the day that I was introduced to darkness.
Today is the day it all ended.
A date that changed my destiny,
A number that crosses the remains,
A day when my world shattered,
A memory that haunts me.
So much to believe,
No hope to be found,
Every memory of this day stays,
Keeping it alive,
I see it all, feel it all.
The trembling to think that we could go back,
The forgotten sound of what I believed was love.
The shaking moment that I thought was the end of me.
The shattering feeling that I felt was the true me.
All trapped there, within me.
All trapped in a date, a number, a day, a memory.
It is the day that reminded me of what I’ve become,
It’s the same day that I thought would pass like any other,
It’s the memory that I imagined would fade as the clock ticks,
The more I try to forget,
The more it stays.
Every passing day is nothing but a reminder of today.
A whole year has passed, i imagined myself at much better places, but I still sit here with the same words and same memories. I don’t know what’s left of me to give to you or anybody. I know it’s just words for now, I know. But they feel and fit right for what I am right now.
I thought, things would change and maybe I’d see a little bit of myself again. Nothing changed and in this process it feels like I’ve lost myself.
I try not to find you anymore, I hide it, I push it down. But somehow you just manage to appear everywhere, in my saddest moments, in my happiest moments, in my loneliness. I try to forget your face, but every time I close my eyes, I see you. I wake up to your face and sleep to your thoughts.
I thought I’d lose you in the colors of this world,
Somehow you just manage to be the only thing that made sense while everything just seems black and white. I don’t know what color you are now, all I know that I always found my colors in you.
My hatred for you survived, even through this. I rant with aggression, I don’t think I’m actually angry, I just find reasons to say your name in all times. I think I’m pretty sad.
Talking seems to be reasonable,
Expressing what lies in me,
Nobody seems to get that, nobody seems to understand what I want to say.
Nobody knows what I feel and how I feel about you.
You might think that this would say a lot about what I feel and how I feel, trust me it doesn’t.
I’m broken inside,
As much as I hate to say it,
I’m on my knees begging for acceptance to myself.
Looking at myself in the mirror scares me of what I’ve become.
I’ve lost my faith,
I dial your number every night,
Bring myself to thoughts that I want to express.
Release myself from this pain that’s building up.
There’s a lot that lies with this day,
But I’d rather stop then continue.
This might be me,
Someone I do not know.
But something that’s just a part of me now.
I might end up forgetting you,
But I will never forget what followed.
April the 13th.