April the 13th

April 13th. 
Today is the day when it all started,

Today is the day that we departed, 

Today is the day that I remember, 

Today is the day when I lost my faith, 

Today is the day when I lost my love, 

Today is the day that I was introduced to darkness. 

Today is the day it all ended. 
A date, 

A number, 

A day, 

A memory. 
A date that changed my destiny, 

A number that crosses the remains, 

A day when my world shattered, 

A memory that haunts me. 
So much to believe, 

No hope to be found, 
Every memory of this day stays, 

Keeping it alive, 

I see it all, feel it all. 

The trembling to think that we could go back,

The forgotten sound of what I believed was love. 

The shaking moment that I thought was the end of me. 

The shattering feeling that I felt was the true me. 

All trapped there, within me. 

All trapped in a date, a number, a day, a memory.  
It is the day that reminded me of what I’ve become, 

It’s the same day that I thought would pass like any other, 

It’s the memory that I imagined would fade as the clock ticks, 
The more I try to forget, 

The more it stays. 

Every passing day is nothing but a reminder of today. 
A whole year has passed, i imagined myself at much better places, but I still sit here with the same words and same memories. I don’t know what’s left of me to give to you or anybody. I know it’s just words for now, I know. But they feel and fit right for what I am right now. 
I thought, things would change and maybe I’d see a little bit of myself again. Nothing changed and in this process it feels like I’ve lost myself. 
I try not to find you anymore, I hide it, I push it down. But somehow you just manage to appear everywhere, in my saddest moments, in my happiest moments, in my loneliness. I try to forget your face, but every time I close my eyes, I see you. I wake up to your face and sleep to your thoughts. 
I thought I’d lose you in the colors of this world,

Somehow you just manage to be the only thing that made sense while everything just seems black and white. I don’t know what color you are now, all I know that I always found my colors in you. 
My hatred for you survived, even through this. I rant with aggression, I don’t think I’m actually angry, I just find reasons to say your name in all times. I think I’m pretty sad. 
Talking seems to be reasonable, 

Expressing what lies in me, 

Nobody seems to get that, nobody seems to understand what I want to say. 

Nobody knows what I feel and how I feel about you. 

You might think that this would say a lot about what I feel and how I feel, trust me it doesn’t. 
I’m broken inside,

As much as I hate to say it,

I am. 
I’m on my knees begging for acceptance to myself. 

Looking at myself in the mirror scares me of what I’ve become. 
I’ve lost my faith, 

In myself, 

In you, 

In them. 
I dial your number every night, 

Bring myself to thoughts that I want to express. 

Release myself from this pain that’s building up. 
There’s a lot that lies with this day, 

But I’d rather stop then continue. 
This might be me, 

Someone I do not know. 

But something that’s just a part of me now. 

I might end up forgetting you, 

But I will never forget what followed. 
April the 13th. 

A day, 

A date,

A number, 

A memory.